Twenty-one weeks, three days
Today, I am overwhelmed. I cannot process anything. I am picking away at menial tasks like updating my credit card information for my Nexus pass. I am dusting random surfaces. I can’t work at my job today. I can’t do anything that requires any real brain power. When I walk around the house, everything I see and touch is Ray. I’m looking for things. He knew where things were, but I can’t ask him now. There is “stuff” that I flop from wanting to bundle up and throw away so I don’t have to be reminded of my loss, to thinking I can’t touch at all. I have no idea how I will deal with the truly personal things that were his. I feel like I’m drowning in decisions and, even though my home is quite orderly, I suddenly feel like a hoarder.
On days like this, I think that I probably won’t be able to continue to exist without Ray. Things seem meaningless. I am weepy and feel as heavy as a pile of bricks. How can I feel like this on a sunny, warm day? How in God’s name will I be able to manage in November? I feel like an empty shell, simply going through the motions of living because I’m supposed to.
And yet, I know that a week ago, I was functioning just fine. So, is this really how I feel and I’ve been burying it, or is it just “one of those times” where I can’t stand up by myself? It’s kind of shocking how you can be emotionally whipsawed from stable to frail in what seems like the blink of an eye. I feel like I can’t count on myself. Will I be like this tomorrow? Or will I be the powerhouse that people think I am?
Losing my Soulmate 
You ARE a powerhouse! Love you so very much, Momma Bear ❤
“…even though my home is quite orderly, I suddenly feel like a hoarder.”
I totally understand the feeling behind this sentiment. Powerful.
I’m a firm believer that even just witnessing how things feel one moment at a time is tremendous therapy.
Frail or powerhouse? Both. We are multi-faceted creatures. Emotional whipsawing will happen because you miss him so dearly and what’s wrong with that? Don’t judge yourself for it. Remember that grief is not linear – two steps forward, one step back.
I had a therapist once that said something to me that really resonated and has stuck with me for the ensuing years. She said that moods and feelings are “temporary states not permanent traits”. It gave me a sense of relief to look at things through that lens. So, on days when I feel down, I try to recall that sentence and remind myself that however I’m feeling will pass and that how I am feeling on any given day is not necessarily indicative of who I am. I also agree that we’re all both strong and fragile at any point in time. It actually takes a lot of strength to share one’s weak moments.