My name is Casey Hrynkow. I lost my soulmate and love of my life, Ray, on Friday, March 23, 2012. We cared for him at home, huge family all around. I have lost a massive chunk out of my life and I’m working on dealing with that loss. It is my hope that my thoughts will help others, as this is a lonely road made less lonely through sharing.
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Getting comfortable with ’empty’ doesn’t ever get easier in my estimation. We just fool outselves into expecting it, and replacing the routine with something different. Sometimes I still answer unsaid comments when my eyes fall upon something that would have ellicited a comment from a partner no longer living here…or laugh at the ridiculousness of something left undone, yet again, or a mess left from a frustrated or lonely pet. We’re funny creatures, humans. It seems to take so long to learn to share space seamlessly, but then when we’re alone again, it is so damned awkward….
HI Casey;
I wish there was something I could do or say to help you with the magnitude of your loss. Something a friend said to me that she was told when her mother died; ‘At first the grief will take up all of your time but eventually, time will ease your grief.’….or something like that, I just remember thinking it was so poetic.
I just read your post about taking it all in smaller chunks, I’m no expert, but this is probably the best way you can do it for your own health and spirit….it’s going to take a very long time and you will never stop missing Ray. Eventually the good days will take over the bad and the days you spend so heartbroken will space themselves out a little more.
What ‘someones mom’ said in her post about replacing the routine with something different is probably a great idea. Case in point, this past weekend was the Rio Tinto regatta…Deas only competed on Saturday so Sunday I offered to spare for the Richmond crew as they were short. One of the novices on the Richmond crew was a beautiful Polish woman…she was so happy to be there, horrible weather aside. She began to tell me her story about her diagnosis and how shortly after her treatment she received news from Poland that her father had passed away suddenly. Her brother called her and said, ‘Why rush and come for a funeral? Just come for a visit in the summer, we can spend some time together then.’ So she agreed. A few weeks later she received another call. Her mother had suddenly passed away, then a few weeks after that her husband suddenly passed away. Her life was completely shattered. She said all she could do was drink wine and take sleeping pills, she could barely move. Then one day she decided to go for a walk and was walking along the dyke in Richmond near where the crew practices. She saw the crew manager walking up the ramp and asked her how she could join this group. The manager replied, ‘You must be a breast cancer survivor.’ She was actually elated that she was a survivor and she could join the crew. She told me that Abreast in a Boat saved her life. It gave her something to do with people who had shared her cancer experience. So maybe think about something you would like to try, something completely different than what your normal routine would be or to take you out of your comfort zone, which will take your mind and force you to focus on something different, even if it’s just for a few hours a week. Maybe another option given you like to ride horses, perhaps consider volunteering at the disabled riding academy in Langley. I know the ten years I spent with Des volunteering at Pinegrove Place was very rewarding and certainly took my mind off everything else for the time I was there visiting the seniors.
Speaking of Des, yesterday at the regatta I saw a black lab that reminded me so much of her, the shape of her body, her joyful step as she walked, the wagging tail, so obviously in love with her human, it brought tears to my eyes, I still miss her so much. She’s been gone for three years…and then, I thought of you and realized I cannot even imagine how you must feel to have lost your life partner if that is how I’m feeling about a dog.
It’s good you have such a loving family, your sisters, your kids, numerous friends to help you on this difficult journey. My hope for you is that your moments of peace will soon exceed your grief.
I don’t know what else to say…*hug* xo
Thank you SO much for this, Karen. I will read and re-read it many times!
Hi Casey–first of all, sorry for your loss. I found your Blog while googling Chesterman Beach. I fell in love with the area in 1972, when I lived out there on Halfmoon Bay, and later in Nanaimo. This was before the Pacific Rim Park was begun,. I thought that the west coast of Vancouver Island was so wonderful that I have been pining for it, and even dreaming of it, for 40 years. Finally, I have the money to go! I am sure it is much changed, but am happy to hear that it is still special. I would certainly build a house near Tofino if I had a chance to!
I will read more of your Blog soonl Take carel
Judy