Archives for the month of: March, 2013

I feel so angry today. Not your garden-variety, annoyed angry, but tears-stinging-your-eyes-to-get-out-and-want-to-scream-at-the-top-of-your-lungs-and-break-everyone-else’s-ear-drums angry. Do you ever feel that angry? I’m not sure it has to do with not having your best friend with you any more. It might just be about not being heard, or listened to.

Is this the point at which I give up? Is this where I stop? Can I grow no further than here? Is this all I have…all there is? Am I done? Is it time to “wind down?” Is there nothing more of any significance that I can contribute to the world, or shall I simply continue, a cog in the wheel, until my body fails me and I become yet another burden on everyone younger than I am?

These are the questions I’m asking and the anger I feel. I have applied to an American school for a MBA in Design Strategy. It is the only one in North America. The description reads like I wrote it for myself. But I’m 57 years old. I have more people smiling and nodding politely at me about this than I care to count. I don’t need a Masters degree to make change in the world, but to do it at the level I want to do it — to influence the people I need to influence — a DMBA from California College of the Arts is pretty serious cred. Is it that my friends and loved ones don’t have the capacity to understand what I want to do, or that I am just so delusional that someone needs to slap me upside the head and bring me back down to earth?

I don’t want to die as just another organism that took up oxygen and procreated. I want to be someone who made things a lot better — who saw things more clearly and led others to the light. Ray did that. Is it vain of me to want to do the same?

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In the words of the obnoxiously disingenuous writers of Facebook, “How do I feel today…?”

Here is a snapshot:

1. All encompassing sadness….still. As the anniversary of Ray’s death approaches, each day brings back the horrors of his dying days and makes me ache to take those away from him. The images of his lifeless body are still so horrific to me, I don’t know how I’ll ever heal from them.

2. Doubt, thinking that I didn’t do the right things in those days…that maybe I could have done more to make him comfortable, and more to reassure him and tell him that I loved him. What if he didn’t like something I did and was unable to give me heck for it? I would have loved for him to give me heck.

3. Guilt that I’m still here and he isn’t; that I have thrived rather than shrivelled up and died. I feel like half of me is gone, but I have charged headlong at ignoring that and trying to fill up the other half with “me”.

4. Grief, still, that I get into bed every night with nothing more than his sweater from which I try, unsuccessfully, to pull his scent.

5. Regret, frustration, anger that the quieter days he and I planned to enjoy won’t happen. He was my very best friend and we wanted to spend more time simply enjoying the things we loved to do. He was also my first line of defence IT guy…now I have to figure things out by myself.  He did a lot of reading “for” me, digesting things and giving me the Coles Notes version so that I could choose to read the whole book or just use the take-aways. We were a perfectly matched pair. I still fell like I’m missing a limb.

6. Serenity that I have lived an incredible life and will be happy to be with Ray for eternity when it’s my time.

7. Joy that I have thus far been able to weave him into my everyday life with help from gifts like the Ray Hrynkow Scholarship that he and I started for him, and the portrait spontaneously created by Jennifer Romita (detail above). Through that painting, Ray gazes lovingly into my eyes each day. We will also infuse a new cabin we are building in Tofino with his spirit and name, in this place where he loved to be with us.

8. Gratitude for the fact that I had 37 years with my true soulmate.

9. Fulfilment, so much so, that I know I don’t need any other relationship in my life.

10. Peace when I see my son, daughter and daughter-in-law carrying their lives forward with grace and strength.

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