Twelve weeks, two days
Loss is sometimes defined by context. I was talking with my son recently and we realized in unison that the further out we get from Ray’s death, the harder it sometimes seems. That would appear to be inverse logic, but it’s because we can only absorb grief in small amounts at any one time.
If you haven’t experienced a significant loss, you might imagine that grief would be so overwhelming that you would simply be crushed under the weight of it. Sometimes it does feel a bit like that, but then you can shake it off and proceed with life for a while more. The human mind simply cannot contain massive grief, so it processes it a bit at a time. That measured grief goes on and on. What happens with time, at least for our family, is that we realize more clearly as time goes on that he is actually gone. Ray isn’t coming back.
I said this to my son and then apologized for making such a childish observation. But he corrected me. We haven’t actually gotten that far in processing the reality. To do so fully would be unfathomably painful. So we do it in those small chunks, but in turn, we are struggling to get our arms around the size of it. I would equate it to looking at a pebble and then trying to comprehend the size of Earth on which it rests. The scale is just too much.
We are blessed with this coping mechanism of only looking at a small part of it at any one time. It’s a slow process, but it means we can survive it….
“…the further out we get from Ray’s death, the harder it sometimes seems.” So well said Casey. I too experienced this when my brother passed away. I distinctly remember thinking that exact same thought. It was like the actual passing part wasn’t the hardest. For me I think it was the grief of loosing the essence of him as time went by. And the fear that as time passes I wouldn’t remember all the little things like his smell, a mole on his face, his quirky spirit etc. Not quite sure how to express this. The closer you are to something the more real it seems maybe. And then when it’s gone, that ‘freshness’ of memory fades away. Maybe it’s also the sadness that you’re somewhere else in the timeline, and not near the one when he was here. Big hug to you all.
Thanks, Kirsten. It is affirming and somehow grounding to hear your own story. Thank you so much for sharing it!
I have nominated you for the “One Lovely Blog Award”. See today’s post on “Let’s Talk About Family”.
Thank you SO much, Lori. I have enjoyed reading your blog as well. Thanks for reaching out and making me feel a bit more “legitimate”!