Two months, to the day

I see a pattern emerging in my healing process. There are certain days where Ray’s presence is palpable and where I feel so painfully wistful, it’s uncomfortable. I spent the day on Monday (Victoria Day) cleaning like a mad woman. I dusted, vacuumed, mopped, purged the freezer and bought fresh flowers. I huffed and puffed and all the while listening to Snatam Kaur cranked up to max. That music has become indelibly linked with Ray, his process of dying, and his defiant battle with cancer. It was his peace. It was his battle hymn. It gives me power, but it washes me with profound sadness as well.

You need to experience that sadness and I think that, sometimes, I need to give myself a shove into the muck of it so that I can get past the buildup and move forward. It’s up, it’s down. But somehow, like the muscle ache you have after working out, it feels healthy.