Seven weeks to the day

Unless you’re a masochist, don’t attempt a funeral too close to your own loss. Although we can’t control when the next important someone passes away, unless you really need to be there, take a pass. I went to the memorial of an old friend’s mom today. I’d attended her father’s funeral some 35 years earlier and I will never forget it. This time, I figured I had it all under control. I didn’t.

When we said the Lord’s Prayer, I couldn’t even form the words. The last time I said it, I had repeated it over and over in the process of saying decades of the Rosary while Ray lay dying. And yet, I felt profoundly detached from the religious aspect of this memorial. I think I am really pissed off at God.

I feel that this has set me back about six weeks. I am in such a deep hole, I feel like I’ll never get out. I know that I will, but right now I just want to sit under a heavy table and rock back and forth.